Inquiry Process - Struggle, Compassion and Curiosity

This is a companion post to Reflections on Writing and Struggle. It contains the full transcript of an inquiry session that I reference in that post. I am planning to write up a reflection on this process that goes into some of the interesting general principles displayed in it sometime in the future and will link to that once it exists. The process was quite long, so I've broken it down into four phases based on the primary themes that were showing up, but they all took place in the same session.

Struggle, Combat and Domination

• I notice that there is something exciting about struggle.

• There is a sense of something to grapple with and that grappling feels like contact.

• There is something real and nourishing about that sense of contact.

• The image of a wrestling match comes to mind. It evokes the sense of aliveness that is associated with combat.

• I notice that I've always felt this kind of aliveness as a prominent association with combat, at least since I was 7 or 8. I never really got to engage in combat with other children much, but I fantasized about it a lot. Later on in my young adulthood, I got to spar with my friends using foam swords and this was by far my favorite form of physical activity. There is some kind of longing here that feels quite profound.

• I do not really understand this longing...or rather I do understand it and there are some judgements about the parts that I understand. I recognize a sense of wanting to dominate and of wanting to overcome. I'm not supposed to want to dominate. Wanting to overcome is okay though. There is more to it that I am feeling into now. The sense of wanting to be challenged. This feels very new to me. I have faced many challenges, but I don't ever recall actually wanting to feel challenged. There was too much fear. Fear of not being good enough.

• There's a lot of potential ways forward there, so I pause and wait for the sense of what wants my attention. I previously felt drawn to looking at the idea that I'm not supposed to want to dominate and I still feel most drawn to that now. I'm guessing that there's some form of goodness there that is currently cut off and that's probably complicating my relationship to this area and cutting me off from some potential.

• When I tune in to that sense, the first thing that comes up is that I'm supposed to be dominated by my mother. There is some sense that this is how it is. There is rage underneath that, but also a sense of needing to clamp down on that. I might hurt her if I don't. That's interesting and somewhat surprising. In the past I've worked through fears of being punished or rejected for disobedience, but now the fear is of hurting her. There is a feeling of almost overwhelming strength and power behind that. I do not know if I could control it. I want to smash everything, like a toddler throwing a tantrum. An image arises of a red aura emanating from me, like an evil anime character (specifically Vegeta from Dragon Ball Z).

• I get up and make various aggressive movements with my whole body that feel like expressions of this angry, forceful, red energy - kicking and swinging and punching in the air. I do this until I no longer want to. I notice a sense of control - not the control of suppression, but the control that a skilled martial artist has over their body. I now feel like the energy is mine and there is not as much danger of it hurting other people...at least not if I don't want it to.

From Anger to Hatred

• There is still a sense of being the evil anime character with the red aura. There is a sense of menace. Intimidation. I want to intimidate others. I want them to submit to me. The sense of the exact anime character that I am being shifts from Vegeta to Frieza. The emotional tone is now less anger and more hatred. The aura shifts to black with red tones.

• I feel the hatred in the aura like icy daggers threatening to impale anyone who challenges me.

• This kind of "hatred structure" feels pretty familiar and I've done a lot of work with similar structures in the past. It often shows up as some kind of "evil alien tyrant" image like it's doing now. I feel pretty comfortable with it and find it easy to open up to, to be curious about and to feel the experiential texture of the whole image.

• As I do so, there is a sense of melting. A warmth enters the field and the icy daggers start to drip with moisture. The evil alien figure develops a look of bitter sadness on its face but is holding back from breaking down in tears. There is a sense of a presence of compassion around the figure. The compassion is not reaching out to touch the creature-image because the creature clearly doesn't want to be touched by love or compassion. Instead the compassion is just waiting there patiently and with curiosity.

• Eventually the creature reaches out to it (the compassion) and grabs at it like a blanket. There is a sense of this not-quite-working and a little bit of frustration. The creature is then like "oh fine" and it breathes in the compassion as a gas. There is a sense of this immediately doing something. The sensations in my heart jump out to me and become more prominent. There is a subtle sense of peace that becomes noticeable in the field and inside the self-image. The creature's face becomes calm and it shifts into a meditative posture.

• I notice myself wondering how this relates to the question of domination and quickly check to see if I can still feel the connection to that original sense that I started from. I can, so I relax and trust that I haven't gotten too far off track.

• I shift my physical body into a meditative posture to match that of the image and close my eyes, just sitting with the whole of what it's like currently.

A Bubbling, Yellow Liquid

• I notice that there is now a bubbling, yellow, sticky and somewhat caustic liquid pooled in my belly. I have no idea what it is. There is curiosity and also a little apprehension. I notice that a part of me wants to keep a safe distance from it.

• I notice that the stickiness of the liquid is associated with a sweetness and the liquid is starting to crystalize in some form, like hard candy. There is a fruity tartness to it, like lemon. This seems related to the quality that was previously showing up as "caustic". I like it, but it feels too tart to drink, too intense.

• There is still a sense of wanting to be separate from it even though there is no longer as much apprehension. It feels a bit like a laboratory experiment that should stay in its beaker with the lid closed.

• I notice that there are three primary physical qualities in the experience - the sweetness, yellow color and caustic vapor. The sweetness feels like love, the yellow like joy and the caustic vapor like hatred.

• Joy in hatred - this is what feels uncomfortable, like breathing in vinegar fumes. I can get close to it and sniff a little but it's a bit too much. There is a sense that I shouldn't be taking joy in hatred - that's dangerous and evil. My system as a whole isn't actually worried about this though, so the concern settles to the side and curiosity arises.

• What is the flavor of the hatred? What kind of hatred is it? It feels very particular. It is dissolving - this fits with the acidic quality of the substance.

• What is it dissolving? It is dissolving restraint. I feel into this and it leads to a sense of freedom. There is an expansion. This is part of what was being sought.

• I notice that the acidic vapors still feel somewhat unpleasant and separate from the other qualities. I still don't feel comfortable with them, even though I like the freedom. I feel into what the discomfort is like and it seems like a kind of sharpness.

• I really feel into the sharpness quality of the acidic vapors. What is that feeling trying to do? I am curious and immerse myself in it. It opens up into an experience of precision. This quality of precision is immediately seen as compatible with a kind of softness. It is like an infinite number of tiny hairs that can feel out the exact details of what is needed. I could feel that the dissolving was connected to love previously, but now I feel that they are totally compatible. They are really the same thing.

Love and Precision

• The image shifts to become this sense of fuzzy, cloud-like "fingers" made of exquisitely fine threads of discernment. They are both perfectly soft and perfectly precise.

• This new image feels very "zoomed in," like it's operating on the molecular level. It is black and white in color and feels somehow disconnected from the joy. The aspect of joy that does feel connected to it is spontaneity. It moves on its own, exploring aimlessly and yet with a kind of intelligence. It is most missing a sense of expansion. This feels related to the "zoomed in quality" and like it limits the intelligence.

• There is now a sense of a low-saturation yellow background pervading the new image. The soft, precise intelligence seems to be aware of this yellow background but isn't yet sure how to relate to it.

• There is a sense of connection to it through the intelligence quality. This shifts the image to be more zoomed out. There is now a sense of coordination from a point in experience that includes all of space.

• The qualities of precision, love, intelligence and expansion are all there prominently in this new image in a way that feels unified and harmonious.

• This now feels like a comprehensive enough integration to return to an earlier point in the process and reconnect to the sense of energetic struggle. The energetic aliveness behind the longing for combat feels like it can connect into this new complex.

• There is something missing for that to take place. There is a sense of trying to control the process too much. I relax a bit and there is a sense of liberation from constraint. I lean into this and allow the control of direction to loosen. I cannot figure out how this should happen myself. I need to let the process unfold organically.

• I remember the sense of contact that I longed for earlier. That also seems relevant. There is a sense of being isolated from the world without it. Trying to perfect myself without ever planning to actually test myself in life.

• I reconnect with the sense of wanting to be challenged. That excitement is still there and I notice a new quality - a respect and compassion for my opponent. There is no hesitation here anymore. The grapple is also an embrace.

• The image has shifted to being of the protagonist (Goku) and there is a yellow aura around my heart. There is a sense of grace, power and compassion.

• There is a sense of curiosity about the opponent. Learning through combat. Testing each other. Falling and getting back up again.

• When I think about struggle, such as struggling to write, I now feel a warmth in my heart and a genuine curiosity.